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Writing Into the Void (and Doing It Anyway)
May. 13th, 2025 07:26 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
badfalconSometimes I think people misunderstand what it means when someone says, "I don't write for kudos or comments."
And I do mean it — I really do. I write because there’s a story in my head that won’t leave me alone until I get it out. I write because I love exploring character dynamics and emotional textures. I write because shaping a scene, pulling something messy and human out of my brain and onto the page, makes the noise quiet down.
But that doesn’t mean the silence doesn’t sting.
I'm in a small fandom — tennis RPS — and right now, most of the energy is around the same few pairings. It would be so easy to just churn out endless Carlos/Jannik PWPs. And look, I get the appeal! I’ve written them! But I’m not feeling them right now. They’re not where the story lives for me at the moment.
Instead, the narratives pulling at me are Darren/Jannik, or the softer, tangled dynamics of the Team Sinner polycule. They’re not the flashy ships. They’re not what people are actively refreshing AO3 for. But they’re where the heart of it is, for me.
And the thing is: when I post one of those fics — the ones I’ve sat with, nurtured, maybe cried over a little — and it gets no response at all? That hurts. Even though I knew it might happen. Even though I didn’t write it for a flood of comments or a mountain of kudos. It still makes me pause. It still makes me wonder if I should’ve just kept it to myself.
It’s not about validation — not really. It’s about connection. It’s about that hope that someone, anyone, might read it and feel what I felt. Might see the story the way I saw it. Might quietly whisper, yes, this.
And sometimes someone does. Sometimes it takes a while. Sometimes it’s one person, and that’s enough. But when there’s silence? Yeah, I notice.
Still — I’m not going to stop writing what matters to me just because it’s not the popular thing. I can’t. That’s not why I started, and it’s not why I keep going. I’ll keep writing Darren carefully reading Jannik’s body language. I’ll keep writing pack dynamics and slow burns and quiet domesticity and softness. Because those are the stories I care about. And I’d rather care deeply than be trendy.
So if you’re in the same boat — writing what you love even when it feels like no one’s looking — I see you. I’m proud of you.
We’re not shouting into the void.
We’re sending out messages in bottles.
Someone might find one. Someone might need it.
Hell, maybe we needed to write it, just to breathe a little easier.
And that’s enough. That has to be enough.
But it’s also okay if we hope for more.
And I do mean it — I really do. I write because there’s a story in my head that won’t leave me alone until I get it out. I write because I love exploring character dynamics and emotional textures. I write because shaping a scene, pulling something messy and human out of my brain and onto the page, makes the noise quiet down.
But that doesn’t mean the silence doesn’t sting.
I'm in a small fandom — tennis RPS — and right now, most of the energy is around the same few pairings. It would be so easy to just churn out endless Carlos/Jannik PWPs. And look, I get the appeal! I’ve written them! But I’m not feeling them right now. They’re not where the story lives for me at the moment.
Instead, the narratives pulling at me are Darren/Jannik, or the softer, tangled dynamics of the Team Sinner polycule. They’re not the flashy ships. They’re not what people are actively refreshing AO3 for. But they’re where the heart of it is, for me.
And the thing is: when I post one of those fics — the ones I’ve sat with, nurtured, maybe cried over a little — and it gets no response at all? That hurts. Even though I knew it might happen. Even though I didn’t write it for a flood of comments or a mountain of kudos. It still makes me pause. It still makes me wonder if I should’ve just kept it to myself.
It’s not about validation — not really. It’s about connection. It’s about that hope that someone, anyone, might read it and feel what I felt. Might see the story the way I saw it. Might quietly whisper, yes, this.
And sometimes someone does. Sometimes it takes a while. Sometimes it’s one person, and that’s enough. But when there’s silence? Yeah, I notice.
Still — I’m not going to stop writing what matters to me just because it’s not the popular thing. I can’t. That’s not why I started, and it’s not why I keep going. I’ll keep writing Darren carefully reading Jannik’s body language. I’ll keep writing pack dynamics and slow burns and quiet domesticity and softness. Because those are the stories I care about. And I’d rather care deeply than be trendy.
So if you’re in the same boat — writing what you love even when it feels like no one’s looking — I see you. I’m proud of you.
We’re not shouting into the void.
We’re sending out messages in bottles.
Someone might find one. Someone might need it.
Hell, maybe we needed to write it, just to breathe a little easier.
And that’s enough. That has to be enough.
But it’s also okay if we hope for more.
You'd have to stop the world just to stop the feeling
May. 12th, 2025 07:18 pmbadfalconMy most-played song last week was Good Luck, Babe! by Chappell Roan — it’s been living rent-free in my brain all week, and I’m not mad about it. Her voice, the drama, the lyrics... It’s just doing things to me, okay?
I’ve also started getting back into the charts recently — not on the radio like I did when I was younger (shout out to Sunday afternoons with the Top 40), but now through Spotify’s “Top 50” playlist. It’s kind of fascinating. A lot of it just fades into the background, but every now and then, something grabs me enough to go diving through the artist’s back catalogue and start adding things to playlists. There’s still a fair amount I skip straight through, but I’m enjoying the ritual of checking in weekly.
One thing I’ve noticed? The charts change way less than they used to. Songs stick around for weeks, even months, and not just the big hits. I'm not sure if it’s the streaming culture or just me getting older and more aware, but it’s interesting watching the trends settle in.
Anyway. This week’s earworm goes to Chappell. No notes. 10/10.
I’ve also started getting back into the charts recently — not on the radio like I did when I was younger (shout out to Sunday afternoons with the Top 40), but now through Spotify’s “Top 50” playlist. It’s kind of fascinating. A lot of it just fades into the background, but every now and then, something grabs me enough to go diving through the artist’s back catalogue and start adding things to playlists. There’s still a fair amount I skip straight through, but I’m enjoying the ritual of checking in weekly.
One thing I’ve noticed? The charts change way less than they used to. Songs stick around for weeks, even months, and not just the big hits. I'm not sure if it’s the streaming culture or just me getting older and more aware, but it’s interesting watching the trends settle in.
Anyway. This week’s earworm goes to Chappell. No notes. 10/10.
Probation: Passed. Contract Clause for Jannik Still Pending.
May. 11th, 2025 10:05 ambadfalconI had my six-month review at work last week, though I’ve actually been there 8 or 9 months by now. I was meant to have reviews at 3 and 5 months too, but let’s just say my manager isn’t exactly known for his admin skills 😂 He’s much more of a “get on with your job and we’re good” kind of guy. As long as there are no problems, he’s pretty chill. This is how I get away with “listening” to the tennis while at my desk.
We talked a bit about my fuelling invoices, especially with new routes starting this summer — more flights mean more fuel, which means more fuelling invoices. I’m already processing 7 deliveries a day, so roughly 48–50 invoices a week, and we know that number's going to rise. He said that if it ever gets to the point where I can’t manage, I should let him know. I said as long as it stays between 80–100 a week, I’ll be fine — that’s a full day of processing at near top speed… but honestly, I kinda like it. The invoices come in on Tuesday night, and I do them on Wednesday, which is the mandatory “everyone in the office” day and very overwhelming. Having a task I can just put headphones on for, press play on some music, and fully concentrate on? That helps.
I also told him that as long as I’m bitching about the invoices, I’m totally fine — it’s when I stop grumbling that you should worry, because that means I don’t have the time or energy to.
He said I’ve settled in really well, that everyone likes me (?!), and that he’s learned more about tennis than he ever thought he would 😂 He also said he’s never seen anyone type the way I do (speed and accuracy FTW!) and that I have a “positive and confident attitude” — so now I’m wondering if he accidentally read someone else’s review instead of mine 😂
So yes, I passed my probation with flying colours — and the airport’s stuck with me! (Even if he does disagree that ‘Cassie doesn’t work on days Jannik Sinner is playing tennis’ should be in my contract 😂)
We talked a bit about my fuelling invoices, especially with new routes starting this summer — more flights mean more fuel, which means more fuelling invoices. I’m already processing 7 deliveries a day, so roughly 48–50 invoices a week, and we know that number's going to rise. He said that if it ever gets to the point where I can’t manage, I should let him know. I said as long as it stays between 80–100 a week, I’ll be fine — that’s a full day of processing at near top speed… but honestly, I kinda like it. The invoices come in on Tuesday night, and I do them on Wednesday, which is the mandatory “everyone in the office” day and very overwhelming. Having a task I can just put headphones on for, press play on some music, and fully concentrate on? That helps.
I also told him that as long as I’m bitching about the invoices, I’m totally fine — it’s when I stop grumbling that you should worry, because that means I don’t have the time or energy to.
He said I’ve settled in really well, that everyone likes me (?!), and that he’s learned more about tennis than he ever thought he would 😂 He also said he’s never seen anyone type the way I do (speed and accuracy FTW!) and that I have a “positive and confident attitude” — so now I’m wondering if he accidentally read someone else’s review instead of mine 😂
So yes, I passed my probation with flying colours — and the airport’s stuck with me! (Even if he does disagree that ‘Cassie doesn’t work on days Jannik Sinner is playing tennis’ should be in my contract 😂)
